Battle Arena Nintendo

Battle #1 Elec Man VS Pikachu

Announcer #1: Hello, and welcome to the first battle ever at Battle Arena Nintendo: The only place where you can see your favorite Nintendo characters fight to the bloody death, all for the sake of preserving the wholesome, family entertainment that is Nintendo.

Announcer #2: Yes, and do we have an exciting match tonight. The war of the Electrical powers: Elec Man VS Pikachu! And both of these masters of voltage are ready to duke it out right here.

Announcer #1: And now for some information about the two combatants. Elec Man is one of the more deadly robots of the nefarious mad scientist Dr Wily. Most people don't know this, but when Elec Man was a new robot his name was Electric Man. However, all of his friends mocked him, saying that they needed their power gauges checked, so when he entered Jr. High, he shortened his name. The experience left Elec Man bitter, and revengeful upon all of humanity, making him the perfect fighter for tonight's bloodshed and carnage!

Announcer #2: And Pikachu will be accompanied tonight by his trainer and best friend, Ash Ketchum, as well as Misty and Brock. Also we have hired, at great expense, a translator for Pikachu's Pikachu-ese. It promises to be a great fight!

Announcer #1: Yeah, to tell the truth, we had to lie to Ash to get him to come here. He thought this was a Pokémon Gym and that Elec Man will gives him a badge if he wins.

Announcer #2: Oh, it looks like the fight is about to begin! Let's go down to the Arena floor!

Ash: I choose you, Pikachu!

Pikachu: Pikachu!!! (Yo, yo, yo! The master be in da house!)

Ash: Pikachu, thunder shock, now!

 Pikachu: PI... KA.... CHUUUUUU!!! (Take this, fry boy!) 

[Elec Man absorbs the energy.]

Elec Man: Hey, thanks! I really needed that pick-me-up! But I think this in what you were trying to do: Electric Beam Blast!

[Pikachu smashes into the wall]

Pikachu: Ka-chuuu... (Damn that Psyduck is a hottie... ugh!)

Misty: Ash! Don't you get it!? You can't hurt Elec Man with electrical attacks!

Ash: Shuttup, wartface! Who asked you?

Misty: You stuck-up little jerk...

Brock: Hey, guys, chill...

Ash/Misty: Shove it, small eyes!!!

Brocks: Huh!?

Ash: We're Japanese anime, and we have disproportional eyes. All you have is little slits!

Misty: Yeah, what's up with that?

Brock: Look, I don't think now's the time for this...

Pikachu [getting slams by Elec Beams]: Pi-ka-pi! (Stop bitchin' and get your puny, japanese asses over here! I be in some deep shit, homes.)

Ash: Uh... Pikachu! Dodge his Electrical Beams!

Pikachu: Chu! (What the fuck do you I'm trying to do, bitch!?)

Misty: Pikachu! Attach yourself to his head and shock him! He can't conduct electricity there!

[Pikachu jumps on]

Pikachu: Pika. (cewl)

Elec Man [shocked]: Ahhhhhh!!!!! [reaches around and throws Pikachu to the ground] Hmpf! [points his finger at Pikachu]

Elec Man: Zap. [crispy fries Pikachu]

Pikachu: Pi-ka-pi... chuuu. (It's fucking trippy. I see all my hoes I left back in the forest...)

Elec Man [turns to Misty]: You are not his trainer. You should NOT have advised him...DIE FOOL!!! [Blasts Misty with Elec Beam]

Ash: Misty! Oh no!

Misty: uhhhh... Ash, I'm finished... I want to tell you... I always have loved you...

Brocks: Heh. I knew it. You guys fight way too much naturally.

Ash: Hey, Misty's dying here!

Pikachu: Pika... [So I am!]

Ash: Pikachu, return. We can't win.

Pikachu: Pika, pika, pika. Chu! Kachu, pika! (No! I must win. Ash, I don't know how to say this, especially since Pokémon has bad writers and that they translate the show while on crack, but I must fight, and defeat this sucka! No wannabe white boy is gonna mess with dis pimp-daddy!)

Ash: You want to win? Okay, Pikachu, fill this room with lightning!

Pikachu: Pikachu! (Your ass is mine, white boy!)

[Elec Man still absorbs the energy]

Elec Man: Good God, you people are stupid.

Misty: Wait... Ash, I must tell you something before I die... [whispers into Ash's ear. Ash smiles]

Ash: OK, I choose you, Squirtle!

Squirtle: Squirtle! (Bonjour! Qu'est-ce que c'est passé?)

Ash: Squirtle, use your water cannon!

Squirtle: Squirtle! (D'accord!)

[Squirtle sprays Elec Man, who short-circuits.]

Elec Man: I don't believe this. I got beaten by a rat and a turtle!

Pikachu: Chu! (Damn straight!)

Ash: Alright! We won! But, [sighs] Misty's dead.

Misty [gets up]: No I'm not, I was saved by the power of love.

Brock: Wow, talk about lame excuses to cover up plot holes...

Ash: You know, something bothers me about today's episode.Something's missing.

Misty: Like what, Ash?

Ash: Oh. I got it! Team Rocket's obligatory attempt to kidnap Pikachu!

Jesse: Prepare for Trouble!

Ash/Misty/Brocks: Yada, yada, yada. Pikachu, thunder shock!

[Boom!]

Jesse/James: Looks like Team Rocket's blasting off again!

Bad Voiceover Narratror: And so, having vanquished Elec Man, our heroes depart for their next challenge. Now that Ash and Misty are in love, how will they cope with the sexual frustration of being only 10 and not entering puberty yet? Will Brocks ever stop being a sex-obsessed pervert?* Cliché Alert* Who knows that the future will bring? *Ultra Cliché Alert* Only time will tell.

(To be continued...)

What We have Learned Tonight

We learned that it is a good idea to mix water with high-voltage electrical currents. We also learned that Pikachu is really a foul-mouthed ghetto rodent and that Squirtle is french. Finally, as always, love conquers all; including bad dubbing, and that violence solves all problems.