Battle Arena Nintendo

Battle 17: Princess Zelda VS Link

Announcer #1: Welcome back to the relationship stressful Battle Arena Nintendo, where couples solve their problems through the glory of violence! Tonight, the defenders of Hyrule, Princess Zelda and her boy-toy, Link, are trapped in a web of jealousy will try to kill each other to grow closer. you might be wondering how there could be another episode after the bot wars. Even our writers couldn't figure it out!

Ganon: AND I AM THE GUEST ANNOUNCER, THE EVIL WIZARD GANON. MWAH-HA-HA-HA!!! Link and PRINcess Zelda will finish each other off, and I will capture the TRIFORCE OF WISDOM and rule Hyrule forever. HA-HA-HA-HA.

Announcer #1: Hey watch it, I think you snorted there.

Ganon: You'll find it wise to keep quiet, peon. I can bed quite deadly when I'm angry. {starts casting spell}

Announcer #1: I'm sorry, please don't kill me.

Ganon: Very well, while LINK and ZELDA  battle, you invade the castle and steal the triforce.

Announcer #1: You have me confused with a Moblin, or another one of your lackeys, pig-face.

Ganon: I'LL FEED YOU TO MY MANTRA!!!!

Announcer #1: I'm under contract, you'll have to wait until the season's over.

Ganon: {scratches face}: Hm, how long does that take?

Announcer #1: Until one person collects every single copy of Super Mario Bros/Duck Hunt.

Ganon: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Link: Hey, Princess, why are you so angry at me?

Zelda: Oh, I don't know, maybe because you let that CIA slut SUCK YOUR COCK!!!

Link: WELL EXCUSE ME, PRINCESS. You never kiss me; what else I'm I supposed to do?

Zelda: It's my prerogative to suck it!

Link: But you never do!

Zelda: That doesn't matter; I'm the Princess and I'm loyal to you. 

Link: Oh, but you can kiss Captain N no problem, right?

Zelda: IT WAS JUST A PECK and it was a crossover episode anyway!!! I KISSED YOU TOO!

Link: Not on the lips.

Zelda: YOU PERVERT! {Takes crossbow and fires an arrow}

Link: {dodges} Wow, if I had that kind of aim, I would have been dead in the first dungeon.

Zelda: YOU LITTLE PRICK! {tosses boomerang and hits Link, who falls on ground}

Link: Ow, that hurt!

Zelda : LINK! {Runs over to him} I'm so sorry!

Link: Not as sorry as you're gonna be! {zaps her with sword}

Zelda: THAT was a dirty trick! {slaps Link}

Link: {catches slap} Oh, so the cat knows how to scratch, eh Princess. Besides, you look good with a perm.

Zelda: AA! {slaps Link. Link catches it as well. Mysterious third hand slaps him succesfully}

Link: You're fiesty. I like that. {Zelda struggles} I'll you what, Princess, kiss me, and I'll forgive you.

Zelda: WHAT!? {She spits in his face} In your dreams!

Link: WELL EXCUSE ME, PRINCESS. I guess the only thing to do now is wrestle you to the ground and make violent, but oh-so-tender love to you.

Zelda: Link, why?

Link: Because, Zelda, if television and movies have taught me anything, it's when a girl says "no" she really means "yes" and they always feel better afterwards. {Licks Zelda's cheek with his tongue and starts to take off his tunic.}

DOIN! {teleport sfx}

{Ganon appears with both the Triforce of Wisdom and Power and zaps Link, who spins around, turns grey, and disappears.}

Ganon: HA-HA-HA!!! While you and your percious Link were fighting, I invaded the castle and got both Triforces. Now I will will be king.

{Link reappears}

Link: Damnit! I lost a life; now I can't finish the game with a perfect record. and do you know how much I hate it when you laugh like Soda Popinski!!!

Ganon: Shaddup. {crispy frys Link again} Now I shall punish you all for defying me.

Zelda: you're going to kill us?

Ganon: OF COURSE NOT! Link, you shall be banished to The Underworld, where sexy harlots will suck your cock all the time...

Link: Hey, that sounds pretty good.

Ganon: BUT, with my spells I'm transforming you into an eight-year old boy forever so you can't enjoy it!

Link: NOOOO!!!!

{Link disappears}

Ganon: And you, Zelda, for questions the unlimited power your man can exert over you, I hereby make you my queen to bear my half-human half-pig offspring. THE WORLD IS MINE, MWUH-HA-HA-HA!!!

What We Have Learned Tonight

Females must never challenge the ungodly superiority of the male sex- we are your Gods, so kneel down and suck it!