Battle Arena Nintendo
Battle #21: Dracula VS Big Bird
Announcer #1: I bid you welcome to another night of bloody murders known as Battle Arena Nintendo.. Tonight: who will triumph in the ultimate war between good and evil, light and darkness, children's television programming and campy horror films? Will it be the ultimate champion of evil, the Prince of Darkness, Dracula, or the Savior to all of mankind, Big Bird?
Casino Kid: Wouldn't the ultimate champions for good and evil be Jesus and Satan?
Announcer #1: Nah, nobody remembers those guys anymore, this was the only way you could stay hip and in tune with the younger generation.Besides, South Park threatened to sue our asses off. Oh, by the way, our guest Announcer to night is the famed Vegas Gambler, Casino Kid. tell the viewers, Kid, who do you think will win the fight tonight?
{silence}
Um, Kid, it's against network policy to have your showgirls give you blowjobs on the air.
Kid {zipping up pants}: I'm sorrOWWWW!!!
Announcer #1: Oh man, how'd you get the beans above the frank?
Kid: Well, since I'll never have children now, and that we'll be sued for copyright infringement, I have to say and I told my bookie to put everything on Dracula. I just don't see how Big Bird will become violent enough to win. Hey! How'd we convince Big Bird to come here to fight in the first place?
Announcer #1: We told him he was going to have a skit with the Count from Sesame Street.
Kid: What's the skit about?
Announcer #1: The benefits of a high-iron diet.
Big Bird: Let's be friends, Count!
Dracula: Understood. I promise to kill you quickly because I have to be enslaving Eastern Europe at 2.
Big Bird: That's nice... Wait!
Kid: Wow!!! Dracula tackles Big Bird and goes straight for the jugular.
Announcer #1: I haven't seen yellow splattered that much since I put my canary in a blender! { Writer's Note: ShadowMan024 does not endorse violence against canaries, he endorses violence against muppets.}
Dracula (spits out feathers): Hey! This is all inorganic! What the hell are the producers trying to pull on me! I was guaranteed pig's blood quality or better.
Big Bird: Count, it is not nice to bite people on the neck. Maria will put you in the time-out corner for that.
Dracula: Is Maria a warm-blooded mammal? If she is, I'd love to meet her.
Big Bird: MARIA! Count needs to be taught not to hurt people!
Maria: Are you bullying Big Bird?
Dracula: Yes. {hits Maria, knocking her down}
Big Bird: You are mean, Count, I will not play with you anymore. I will play with Barney!
Dracula: No, you will not, because I have converted you.
Kid: OH MY GOD! Big Bird's straight now!?
Announcer #1: No, you're thinking of Bert and Ernie.
Maria: Big Bird? Big Bird...
Vampire Big Bird: I AM NO LONGER THE BIG BIRD YOU KNOW AND LOVE!!! HAHAHA
Maria: GASP! EL DIABOLO!!!
Vampire Big Bird: Si, yo soy El Pollo Diabolo y he llegeos matarlos à todos! (Yes, I am the Devil Chicken and I have come to kill you all!)
{Vampire Big Bird tackles screaming Maria and drains her}
Dracula: We will make a good team, Señor El Pollo Diabolo. We can teach me how to count and the alphabet with your CD quality sound on an 8-bit cart.
Vampire Big Bird: And you will teach me the benefits of a high-iron diet.
Both: THE WORLD IS OURS!!! MWAHAHAHAHAH...
What We Have Learned Tonight
Children's Television degrades from educational programming to horrific orgies of blood. Public Television is communism.