Battle Arena Nintendo
Battle #24: The Bikers of Excitebike VS The Gangs from River City Ransom
Announcer #1: I AM DEDETRIX, MASTER OF THE UNDERWORLD. FOR TWELVE CENTURIES I PLAGUED MANKIND LIKE A BOIL ON THE SCROTUM. NOW, DUE THE FOOLISHNESS OF REALITY-BASED TV, I ESCAPED FROM HELL TO LIVE ANEW ON EARTH THROUGH POSSESSING THE BODY OF ANNOUNCER #1. TONIGHT, THE WORST JUVENILE DELINQUENTS WILL KILL EACH OTHER IN A RITUAL OF BLOOD!!!
Toad: Uhhh.. Hi! I'm Toad, The Official Retainer of the Mushroom Kingdom and your Guest Announcer for tonight. Is... GULP, that OK with you Announcer #1? {Toad pees in his pants}
Announcer #1{GROWLS): I WILL EAT YOUR SOUL!!!
Toad: Uh, uh... I'm sorry, but my soul is in another castle?
Announcer #1: VERY WELL. YOU SHOW CONSIDERABLE FORESIGHT NY HIDING
YOUR SOUL FROM ME, HOWEVER, AFTER I VANQUISH THE MORTAL REALM I SHALL BEGIN
A SECOND QUEST.
Moose: OK, Jets! Ya gotta play in cool, real cool. Everybody got their pity,
non explosive weapons like tires, chains, and lead pipes, BUT ABSOLUTELY
NO GUNS!!!
Billy & Jimmy Lee: We are sorry, but we have been in extended vacation in Finland and we couldn't practice because such a violent game is only available through rental and Blockbuster wanted a major credit card, which is dishonorable- we pay in cash only.
{Beep. BEEP. BEEP!!!}
{The bikers plow over fields of stupid henchmen}
Stupid henchman #1: BIFF!
Bart: MOMMIE!
East Valley: BARF!
Ryan: It's alright, River City, I have hyperkicking and punching power! {Knocks off bikers, but one leaps off his bike; the cycle hits Ryan}
Alex: It's like they never stop coming!!!
Biker: It's overheating!!! NOOO!!!! {He crashes into Moose. Bike explodes. Biker tossed from cycle but gets up ansd walks away}
Moose: Oh man, I'm dying. Now I'm going to start with only half of my money!
{Bikers suddendly all run away}
Ryan: We won, even without having to fight Slash, the nonexistant head villian!!!
Biker: STOP! I am the most powerful biker of them all: DESIGN MODE!!! Surrender now and I'll kill you quickly.
Alex: I'll never surrender until I rescue my virigin girlfriend so that I may deflower her!
DESIGN MODE: Fool! [A ramp instantaneously appears and crushs Alex}
Ryan: NOOO!!! Alex, I loved you all along. I've loved you ever since we took that suana together. I was paying that girl to date me so my parents wouldn't think I'm gay.
DESIGN MODE: Now the other must die. {Pyramids fall out of the sky and kill the other gang members}
Ryan: Things look bad, Alex, if only DESIGN MODE would leave and then re-enter our screen, we would all be reborn again!!!
DESIGN MODE: I order you to death by Letter "R!"
Ryan: Wait! before you murder me, you've created such a wonderful course, why don't you save it on your game pak?
DESIGN MODE: Good idea! I'll switch to SAVE MODE. HMMM, SAVING. No! It's trap, I've been FROZENNNNNNN....
Ryan: Too bad you didn't read your instruction manual.
DESIGN MODE: But, the SAVE feature may be used in future releases of the game... When I get an N64, you're 8-bit ass is mine!!!
What We Have Learned Tonight
European games are so violent children must not buy them, but it is OK for European children to watch pornos that appear on Public Television on sunday nights.