Battle Arena Nintendo

Battle #28: Battle Chess VS. Archon

Announcer #1: Welcome to an another mentally challenging episode of Battle Arena Nintendo. Tonight's event is bigger than IBM's Deep Blue against... uh... that smart guy... As well, Announcer #2 will also help out tonight as the result of plot lines and stupid script writers.

Announcer #2:  In the next thirty minutes we will entertain you and make your mind grow by making you watch the intellectual simulating bout between the Chessmasters, Battle Chess and Archon.

{Half the audience leaves and goes over to the neighboring Monster Truck Rally}

Announcer #1: Christ, sorry! It seemed like a good idea at the time.

Announcer #1: Battle Chess, pawn to F1.

Announcer #2: Archon, Demon of Hell to E2.

Announcer #1: Battle Chess, pawn to H1.

{Ok, this goes on for about 25 minutes so we'll skip to the good parts...}

Announcer #1: Battle Chess... Queen to... zzzzzzzz...

Announcer #2: OH MY GOD!

{The Genie of Archon occupies the Queen's square.}

Announcer #2: We're actually going to see a BATTLE!!!

Announcer #1: Not really, they'll just clash for a few seconds at an incredibly slow frame rate and then that bitch will die.

Announcer #2: Is that... Is that Genie raping the Queen!?

Queen: Ooooo, Ahhhhh, AHHHHHH!!!!

Genie: O' Master! O'Master!!!

King: Damned spiritual helper of the heathen muslims, I shall kill thee!

{King walks forward one square}

King: Shit.

Announcer #1: Look, the bishop will stop the barbarian fighters of Archon.

Bishop (holds up the Bible): In the name of God, our Lord, I command thee to return to whence thou came!

{Nothing happens.}

{The Barbarians give each other blank stares... and then brutally slaughter the bishop. Soon after, all the demonic forces of Hell massacre the Battle Chess army.}

Announcer #2: I haven't see this such medieval carnage since Macbeth sacked Duncan's castle.

What We have Learned Tonight

I know nothing about Chess co-ordinates.