Battle Arena Nintendo

Battle #5 Bub VS Bob

Announcer #1: Hello, and welcome back to a very special, very caring, episode of Battle Arena Nintendo. Tonight on this very special, very caring episode, we will watch Bub and Bob the dinosaurs solve their conflicts through the power of peace and love.

Announcer #2: God, the network censors really gave you hell about lack of family programming on TV, didn't they?

Announcer #1: Yeah, I swear I'm going to kill those fucking bastards one of these days...

Sound Crew: You're on the air...

Announcer #1: Oh!!! Um... Yes, well, (smiles sheepishly) Announcer #2, let's get those stats on these very special, very caring combatants.

Announcer #2: You pussy. Anyway, Bub and Bob aren't dinosaurs anymore; they're actually two little boys who were transformed into dinosaurs by a evil wizard... or something. Um, yeah. Anyway, they're here to fight due to a conflict about their girlfriends. It seems that one of them, Bob, no! Bub. Err...

Announcer #1: I can't tell the difference.

Announcer #2: Well, I know that one of them wants to test drive a life in polygamy, so they are fighting over their girlfriends; the winner gets both of them.

Announcer #1: Hey!! Woman are human beings, not property. They aren't slaves!!

Announcer #2: You keep forgetting that this is a fictional world created by a oversexed teenage boy. Women are subservient to men in every imaginable way.

Announcer #1: Oh. Damn straight that's the way it should be. Let's get down the the battlefield!!

Bub: I will use my bubble ability to entrap and kill you!!

Bob: I will use of rainbows of love to crush your skull!!

Bub: Rainbows? What rainbows??

Bob: My ability from Rainbow Island: The Story of Bubble Bobble 2. Don't you remember?

Bub: That wasn't you!! wait a second, who was that? And how was that the story of Bubble Bobble 2?

Bob: Hm, beats me. Anyway, I'm going to kill you and have a three-way with MY girlfriends!!

Bub (slaps Bob): Not if I have any say over it!!

Bob (rubs cheek): You stanky bitch! {lunges at Bob. They engage in a tumble on the floor of slapping, hair-pulling, nipple-twisting, and biting}

Announcer #2: Fuck the power of peace and love.

Announcer #1: These guys have girlfriends?

Bob (pulls away): OK, I've had my ambiguously homo-erotic fun. It's time to end your life with my BUST-A-BUB 2000 (tm) Bubble Shooter from that horrid series of games that Taito stuck us in.

Bub: Huh? What are you talking about?

Bub: Don't you know anything? Bust A Move, that puzzle series where we use these launcher thing to explode bubbles. You know, the series that sounds like a porno series but isn't?

Bob: But that stars dinosaurs, we're boys. And besides, I don't think we have entered puberty, so you couldn't have a three-way with our girlfriends anyway.

Bob: I'm so confused... {scratches head} Er... This is all your fault; die!!! {aims trigger}

Bub: Wait! Think of Richard Simmons naked... Richard Simmons naked...

Bob: MMMMM.... {fantasizes}

Bub (takes Bubble Shooter): Ha! BUST-A-BOB!!! {shoots. A huge bubble shoots right through Bob, cleanly removing a good portion of his torso. Bob's eyes becomes X's. He falls to the ground a disappears with a annoying sound effect.}

Girlfriends (run up to Bub and shower him him kisses): Oh Bub, you saved us! {rips off  their clothes} TAKE US!!

Bub: Sigh... No, by battling my best friend, Bub, I have realized that I am gay and how much I love him. While I am impressed with your 36 DDD sized breasts, I must search the world to find my one true love. Goodbye. Announcers #1 and #2?

Announcers: Yes, Bub?

Bub: Take care of my girlfriends... physically.

Announcer #2: You know, maybe the Republicans have this gay thing all wrong... {smiles}

What We Have Learned Today

Giving impressionable young boys easy girlfriends, fairy weapons, and conflicting story lines gave me (oops!!) gives them confused sexual roles.