Battle Arena Nintendo

Battle #6 Dragonlord, Malroth, Zoma, and Necrosaro in a four-way Battle Royale!!!

Announcer #1: Hi! Welcome to a Battle Arena Nintendo special!! Today, using our portal of time and space, we have brought the four deadliest villains from the Dragon Warrior series. Care to explain it to our audience, Announcer #2?

Announcer #2 (is on the floor behind the desk. A series of moans comes from him and two females): Oh baby! Give it to me.

Announcer #1: I see that #2 is still busy having fun with Bob's girlfriends from the last episode.

Announcer #2: MMMM.... they were... ohhhhh... Bub's girlfriends, actually. Wooo!!

Announcer #1: Whatever. Anyway, the Evil Four will duke it out until only one is left standing (alive, that is) Let's commence the killings!!

Dragonlord: Allow myself to introduce... myself. I am the Dragonlord. I rule all of my kind. I stole the Sphere of Light and rule the land.

Malroth: I am Malroth, the true villain of Dragon Warrior 2, not that wimp Hargon.

Zoma: I  am Zoma. I plotted the doom of this land before you were even born. I am invincible, all of you will die at my hand.

Necrosaro: I am Necrosaro... I think. Actually, I'm not sure, do you know how expensive it is to buy a Dragon Warrior IV with a manual?!!!

Malroth: Hmph! You are just Chaos from Final Fantasy with a different palette. Enix didn't even care enough about you to make a original design!

Necrosaro: Shut up! Chaos Spell! {fires black orb at Malroth, who deflects it easily}

Malroth: Chaos Spell! Who do you think you are, Zargon!? This ain't Hero Quest. Die, foolish monster. {kills Necrosaro by hitting him twice}

Malroth (blows smoke off his hands): Who's next?

Zoma (Knocks off Malroth's head with one clean blow): It appears to be you. Thus be the fate of all final bosses in RPG games who have no motivation or story. That kind of Ultima III crap went out in the 80's along with text-based adventure games.

Dragonlord (snorts fire from his nose): Now it is just you and me, Zoma. And I have the one weapon which will take away your invincibility and half of your HP, the Sphere of Light!!

Zoma: You!? Please, I am superior to your ill-fated design. You were the first console game RPG villain, but my Dragon Warrior III sells for ten-fold your pathetic one-party member game. Maybe you should just stick to Pokémon!!

Dragonlord (throws Sphere): Look into this Ray of Light!!! {hits Zoma}

Zoma: AHHHHH!!! {regains balance}Hm, very good, but it will not do the rest of the job. Did you really think that someone from a game that was given out for free with subscriptions of Nintendo Power could beat I, Zoma, who had coverage that rivaled that of Battletoads!!

Dragonlord (suddenly realizing he's doomed): Wait, Zoma! Join me. With the legions of evil at our command we can rule the world. Plus, you can continue your quest later. MWAH-HA-HA-HA!!!

Zoma: I already am evil, Dragonlord. And all I have to do to kill you is cast HURTMORE a few times. HURTMORE!! HURTMORE!! HURTMORE!! HURTMORE!! HURTMORE!! {Dragonlord dies}

Announcer #1: Thou hast slain a Dragonlord! Of Experience thou hast grown by...

 Zoma: Quiet, foolish mortal!! I sense a great disturbance in the portal of time and space...

Mysterious Man: Thou art correct, fiend Zoma. 'Tis I, the Great Ancestor of Edrick.

Zoma: I damn thee!!!

Past Edrick: And I have brought my descendants, Present Edrick and Future Edrick!!!

Edricks: We shall put an end to your lust for the world, Zoma!! HEALMORE! {Zoma collapses}

Zoma (gets up): No... I cannot be defeated, by healing spells!! ARGH!

Edricks: Thou art correct, fiend Zoma. We have played other RPGs and seen many things. We now alter this reality to kill thee in a most enjoyable fashion. {Edricks dance and put their fingers together} FUSION!!! {The Edricks combine to form EDRICKOTTO, whose blond hair burns with energy}

Zoma: Nani!?

EDRIKOTTO: Now with this sword, the Ultra Z, err, Sword of Edrick, I cleave thee, coward!! {EDRIKOTTO slices Zoma clean down the middle. The last thing Zoma sees is his vision splitting in two.}

What We Have Learned Tonight

RPG games have come a long way in their years, but people who play them are still nerds, unless it it a DBZ RPG, in which case, you are God.