Battle Arena Nintendo
Battle #7: Golgo 13 VS Clancy
Announcer #1: Welcome fans of wholesale destruction to another bloody episode of Battle Arena Nintendo, so much violence, it will ooze out your shorts!! (TM)
Announcer #2: YES! And tonight we have two new masters of destruction to fight to the death: Golgo 13 and Clancy!
Announcer #1: But why are they masters of destruction?
Announcer #2: I was about to get to that. Golgo 13, a.k.a Duke Togo, is the world's greatest assassin; as well as the highest paid. He can kill anything, anywhere, any time, and he always follows a hit to its end; he has never failed a mission.
Announcer #1: So why is he fighting Clancy?
Announcer #2: Actually, he is fighting FINAL FORM CLANCY; Ryu Hayabusa's arch nemesis from Ninja Gaiden III. Golgo 13 has never failed a mission, and Ryu was anxious to take a break and sip some tea, so Golgo 13 will face the ultimate test of killing the most horrid bio-God. Golgo 13 can kill anything, Clancy wants to kill everything, hints the masters of destruction.
Announcer #1: Also, we have a Battle Arena Nintendo first; we have a special guest announcer!!!
Announcer #2: Really? Who?
Announcer #1: The President of Paraguay! He's very interested in watching Golgo 13's techniques, whom the President thinks will win.
El Presidente: Si. I am um... happy to watch the master of assassination at work. I think that he has great potential for a job in my operations outside of the government hehehe...
Announcer #2: Right. I thought you left that to the Colombians... Anyway, I see the monstrous form of Clancy in the Arena, but where is Golgo 13?
Meanwhile Elsewhere...
Hot Chick: Ohhh... Yessss... Harder.... Harder.... YESSSS!!!!
Golgo 13: ...
Hot Chick: How'd you learn to do the things you do?
Golgo 13: ...
Hot Chick: Oh well, anyway, that should have restored all of your life bar. Hey! Aren't you later for that Nintendo Battle Thing?
Golgo 13: ...
Hot Chick: Right, I'll drive you. Get in the car... ohhhh... Duke... I've never done it with an Asian before... (smile) five times in a row...
A Five minute drive later...
Announcer #1: I think Golgo might be a no show...
Announcer #2: Hey what's that? {A car crashes through the stadium, Golgo 13 leaps out}
Hot Chick: You were a god, call me {winks}.
Golgo 13: ...
Announcer #2: Man, that is one sexy babe!!! How does Golgo get all those women?
Announcer #1: OH MY GOD, THAT'S MY WIFE!!! Togo, I'm going to kill you!!!
Golgo 13 (looks up at Announcer #1): ...
Announcer #1: Yeah, you filthy bastard! Come 'on... {pauses} What's my wife doing in our car?
Announcer #2: I... I think she's making a tally. Lemma look through our camera... She sucked it... thirty times.
Announcer #1: IN A ROW!?
Announcer #2: Yup.
El Presidente: Gentlemen, gentlemen!! Please. Let us watch the battle; you may attempt to avenge your wife's honor after the bout.
Announcer #1: To hell with avenge! I promised I would never hit my wife... but I'm sure gonna shake that bitch up!!!
{Golgo 13 and FINAL FORM CLANCY size each other up}
Clancy: {Gives a titanic, beast roar. Every window within a 5-mile radius is broken, and C section of the Stadium is no more.}
Golgo 13: ... {adjusts sunglasses}
{ Golgo 13 leaps through the air, landing on Clancy's head. He takes out an automatic machine gun and fires away until the head explodes. Ignoring the inhuman screams of pain coming from the monster, Golgo somersaults backwards, takes out a MK-47, aims, and fires one shot through Clancy's heart.}
Clancy (dying): UHHHH....UGH!!! {dead}
El Presidente (stands up and applauses): Bravo! Bravo! Golgo 13, you would be perfect in my various drug-trafficking related assassinations. I will pay you whatever you desire.
Golgo 13:... {he turns his head sharply towards El Presidente. A small, silver object glistens in his hand. Before anyone realizes what is happening, he throws it.}
El Presidente: ... {a silver shaft sticks out from his head}
Announcer #1: Oh my God! Golgo 13 just killed the President of Paraguay with a fork!!!
Announcer #2: Hey where did Golgo go? {turns around, Golgo is pointing a Magnum .33 at his head.}
Golgo 13: ...
Announcer #2: Huh? What's going on?
{A mysterious man emerges from the shadows}
Mysterious Man: Hello, Number 2. It is I, The President of the Network Censoring. For too long you have made crude and disgusting comments and behavior. Case in point: your mangé à trois with the Dinosaur's girlfriends.
Announcer #2: Actually, he was a dinosaur, he was just a little boy.
President of Network Censoring: Silence Number 2. You have made a mistake; it is time for you to die.
Announcer #1: How much did you pay Golgo to knock off my best friend?
President of Network Censoring: I paid him... (extremely close up) ONE MILLION DOLLARS!!!
Announcer #2: Really? A million dollars isn't exactly a lot of money these days.
President of Network Censoring: Silence Number 2!!! Mr. Togo, I think yo know what to do.
Announcer #2: Please, Mr. Togo!!! I'll give you any... {Announcer #2's head explodes in a crimson shower}
Golgo 13: ...
President of Network Censoring: Excellent work, Mr. Togo; I do like a man of your caliber. {Awkward pause} It was a joke... Anyway, have you seen Mr. Bigglesworth. {turns around} Oh yes, and about your fee {turns around, stops dead in his tracks}
Golgo 13: ... {is pointing a bazooka at the President}
President of Network Censoring: But, Golgo 13!? Why???
Golgo 13: I always liked Announcer #2. {fires bazooka}
Epilogue
{The stadium is empty except for Golgo 13 and Announcer #1}
Announcer #1: What will you do now?
Golgo 13: ...
Announcer #1 (turns head away in sadness): I can't go back to my wife... You know, you're a robust young man. I'm thinking of fantasies I haven't had since I accidentally wound up in a male strip club... Wanna go on the wild side, what are you doing tonight? {Turns around. Golgo 13 has vanished. Only a daily planner remains on the ground. Announcer #1 picks it up a reads it to himself}
Announcer #1: Have sex with four chicks and overthrow Latin American government -SB
What We have Learned Tonight
Oh, the life of an assassin is the LIFE for me... and much more than violence oozes out Golgo 13's shorts...