Battle Arena Nintendo

Battle #8: Jason and Fred VS A Boy and His Blob

Announcer #1: Welcome to the friendship episode of Battle Arena Nintendo. Here we will examine the meaning of friendship through deep, thoughtful dialogue... or wholesale slaughter and carnage.

Announcer #2: Like it matters.

Announcer #1: True, and I'm very happy to have a replacement android of Announcer #2, who was assassinated by Golgo 13 in the previous Battle Arena Nintendo.

Announcer #2: Yes, my name is R.O.B., but you may call me Announcer #2; I'm not programmed to care.

Announcer #1: OK. Hand me that controller, will you?

Announcer #2: No problem, but that might take a while.

Announcer #1: Tonight we will see the Blaster Master himself, Jason, and his pet frog Fred battle to the death with David Crane's a Boy and his white friend Blob.

Announcer #2: That's disgusting!!!

Announcer #1: Not THAT kind of white blob. May the carnage commence!!!

{Jason and Fred stand in the center of the Arena, opposite a Boy a his Blob. Blob sees the towering size of Jason's mutant 18-foot-tall frog a frowns.}

Boy: My Blob came from Blobonia. He can beat your wimpy frog.

Jason: Cannot!

Boy: Can so.

Jason: Yeah, well, we'll see about that! Go, Fred!!! {Fred leaps around, crushing the floor on the Arena and lashing his tongue out at everything, including Jason himself.}

Boy: Here, Blob {feeds it a root beer jellybean. Blob transforms into a rocket that shoots right through Fred. Fred explodes brilliantly.}

Jason: OH MY GOD, YOU KILLED FRED, YOU BASTARD!!! {Takes out laser pistol.} Say goodbye to your two best friends, and I don't mean your pals in the Winnebago.

Boy: ???

{Jason fires the gun, but Blob leaps in front of Boy. The laser beam doesn't pierce the nebulous creature, but Blob the blast stretches Blob backwards until finally the beam recoils back and hits Jason.}

Jason (smoke rising from crispy-fried body): Darn you! But I have other friends... {Jason presses button on remote control. Enter SOPHIA THE 3RD, a large battle tank}

Jason: Homing missiles, FIRE! {Boy quickly feeds Blob a vanilla jellybean. Blob turns into an umbrella. Boy holds umbrella in front of himself; the missiles explode harmlessly against it.}

Jason: Wow, I gotta get me that white thing...

Boy: Wait until puberty!

Jason: If my missiles and gun won't work, I'll get crush you with my tank! Roll, SOPHIA!!

{But Blob is feed a punch jellybean, transforming him into a hole. Boy and Blob disappear into the subterranean caverns under the Arena, but Jason drops down the hole before boy can whistle to Blob.}

{Boy and Blob are running on a slopeless, even floor of stone as Jason and SOPHIA fire at them. A mile in the distance, Boy sees a small pool of water. He screams as he tries to stop running, but alas, he cannot. He keeps on sliding for the entire mile until he fall face flat down in a pool of water 1/4 an inch deep. He drowns. Blob cries and commits suicide by eating jellybeans until it explodes.}

Jason: YES, I DID IT!

Mysterious Voice: No. You and Fred, or Sophia, are not the best friends in the whole world.

Mysterious Voice #2: Chu!

Jason: Who the hell are you?

Mysterious Voice: I am Ash from Pallet Town and my best friend is Pikachu. We have been through countless journeys and adventures on our quest. I even died for Pikachu once. You killed your best friend.

Jason: I had to. The world would have been destroyed.

Ash: You are a disgrace to friends and Pokémon trainers.

Jason: Huh? POKEYMON? What's that? Never mind, I don't have the time. Go, homing missiles!!!

Ash: Pikachu, Thunder shock!!!

Pikachu (releases electricity): Pi... ka... CHU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Fuck this, bitch!) { The lightning hit the missiles which explode into red, white, and blue colors alternating. Jason gasps. The colors and frame rate are to much for him to take. His eyes roll back into his head and he swallows his tongue. Jason quickly dies from the seizure.}

Ash: Yes! We're the best, Pikachu!!!

Pikachu: Pikapi, Pikachu! (Ash, you'll always be my favorite bitch.)

What We Have Learned Tonight

BEWARE THE  ELECTRIC SEIZURE CAUSING POKÉMON!!!