Battle Arena Nintendo

Battle #9: Dave Miller VS Bernard Bernouli

Announcer #1: Hello, all you maniacs in the mansion! Welcome to another blood drenched episode of Battle Arena Nintendo, so much... um, I think we've run out of good tag lines.

Announcer #2: That we have, but tonight we have the members of the Save Sandy Society duking it out to the death using S.C.U.B.A.N. (Script Control Under Battle Arena Nintendo)

Announcer #1: Tell me about this amazing format.

Announcer #2: TALK TO Announcer #1. THE FUNCTION OF S.C.U.B.A.N. IS PRETTY DAMN SELF-EXPLANATORY, JUST READ BELOW AND ASK ME ABOUT LOOM (TM).

Announcer #1: But wait, there's more! S.C.U.B.A.N. is not sold in any store, or anywhere, by anyone, for that matter.

Announcer #2: So if you would like to order a copy of  S.C.U.B.A.N., please mail $5000 cash to:

Battle Arena Nintendo /co The Anti-Christ aka Bill Gates

7th Circle of Hell

Seattle, WA 666-666-6666

Dave: THREATEN Bernard.

Hey Bernard, you're gotta die for sleeping with Sandy.

Bernard: RETORT TO Dave.

I'm sorry, Dave, I was a virgin and she was so easy.

Dave: GROWL. Grrr...

Dave: USE homosexual rabid pit-bull ON Bernard.

Aiiieeee!

Bernard: USE poison ON week's old roast.

Bernard: GIVE poisoned roast TO homosexual rabid pit-bull.

Warning!  the homosexual rabid pit-bull is not dead; it is just sleeping. No homosexual rabid pit-bulls were harmed in the making of this script.

Bernard: FIRE Bazooka.

Now the lights have been turned off.

Dave: WHAT IS hard, stiff object.

Dave: LOOK AT hard, stiff object.

I think it's Beranrd's flashlight.

Dave: GET Bernard's flashlight

Dave: TURN ON Bernard's flashlight

Hey! That's not my flashlight!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bernard: GET rusty chainsaw.

Bernard: USE rusty chainsaw on Dave.

It's out of gas.

Zak McCracken: GIVE gas tank to Bernard.

Good! I always wondered why Lucasarts put that on Mars...

MWAH-HA-HA!!! Die!

Dave: TURN ON Televsion.

Oh my God, it's Howard the Duck!!!!!!!

Dave: COMMIT suicide.

Bernard: BUTT-FUCK homosexual rabid pit-bull.

Another one bites the dust!

Sandy: LOOK AT dead boyfriend.

I will always honor your memery, Dave.

Sandy: LOOK AT Zak.

Ohhh, he's cute...

What We Have Learned Tonight

There is only one way to avoid the horrible fate of watching Howard the Duck.